Food for Thought

On campus at PSU, we have a subterranean all vegan hipster cafe called “Food for Thought.” Their mission is to “Serve food, art, and education. Aside from having a really steep, big wheelchair ramp leading to it’s entrance that I’ve wanted to roll down in a swivel chair for a while, I payed this bastion of self-loathing and tight, uncomfortable mismatched “vintage” clothing no thought.

Until today. Today I had the joys of failing my first test, digging a gigantic berm, and plotting my death at the hands of vegetarians.

Food for Thought is holding open mic nights on Tuesdays, for music, art, commentary, or poetry. Being an aspiring poet myself, I leapt at the idea. I consider Haiku a pastime of mine.

I haven’t selected the finalists for my performance, but these are some of my haikus:

Oh chicken, your pain.
So delicious is my gain;
With barbeque sauce.

They kill you, strip you.
Your life deemed worthless. But why?
You’re yummy. That’s why.

“The Hunter”
Stalked. Hunted. Killed. Destroyed.
The Hunter, he steals your life.
Who cares? You’re a deer.

Kill them. Let them bleed.
Cut them apart. Burn the flesh.
Double Cheeseburger.

I voted for Bush,
I drive a big SUV.
McDonalds tastes good.

“Animal Rights”
So, Vegans are dumb.
Why don’t you eat cheese products?
Go starve somewhere else.

“Vagina Monologue”
Vaginas are gross,
Don’t tell me your monologues.
Keep it to yourself.

You ride a fixie?
That’s cool, you’re the first. P.S.
No one likes you. Die.

“Mechanized Slaughterhouses”
I like eating meat.
Mechanized Slaughterhouses?
Cheaper? Go for it.

I have just two moods:
Pissed and horny. I’m sorry.
You’re not attractive.

I am white, straight, male,
Affluent, Republican.
Thus, I am Satan.

“The Pinnacle”
Die, die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die,
Die, die animals.


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