I’m retiring from the internet

I love watching videos on the internet. That joy has brought you pages of retarded team robot posts, and has kept me very entertained.

The bummer about looking at videos on the internet is that you never know what you are going to get, much like life when you are a quasi-retarded runner/soldier/commercial fisherman/multimillionaire with a southern accent.

When I look at videos on pinkbike, there is a very good chance they will suck. After all, most pinkbike users are canadian, and think that Transition makes the BEST BIKES EVER. If you hate me for my lack of respect for Transition, please note that “Transition” is capitalized and “canada” or “canadian” isn’t.

Anyway, I was suspicious when I saw this video. It said “Daryl riding Vedder.” Vedder is a canadian riding spot in Chilliwack, BC, and Daryl? I thought maybe that was referring to Team Pinkbike’s own Darryl Bartlett.

Darryl’s a pretty fast rider with okay results, he always wears fancy matching kits, and he never seems to smile, at least when I’ve been around. Basically he is their team’s patrick:

Well, watching Patrick ride is always fun, so I figured I’d see if this movie didn’t suck. It was made in canada, so the music would probably suck, but whatever, right?

Wrong. Daryl24’s profile picture was the first clue:

Things didn’t look good, but I pressed on. When I started the movie, I stopped it in one second flat:

On first instinct, I stopped the video immediately. But let’s explore this a little deeper…

Kona? check

canadian? check?

Stupid skeleton T-shirt in profile picture? check

Clearly 14 years old? check

Single crown plus full face indicating imminent bad attempts at “style,” “tricks,” or (worst of all) “style tricks?” check

Wierd sideways head cock to denote false sense of humor/coolness? check

Still canadian? double check

Careful kids. Surfing the internet can be fun, but if you’re not looking out, innocent attempts to watch actually good bike riding can result in horrible things, like watching canadians ride bikes. I’m not really retiring from the internet.