You hate going to work, and it’s Monday. Here’s even more hate for your day:
Here’s the description for this video:
“The first of many things to come from Silvia, the creative collaboration between three mountain bikers from Kamloops, B.C. elevating lifestyle to an artform. Karl Heldt, Matt Miles, Dylan Sherrard. silviafilms.ca”
Wait. What did they say?
“three mountain bikers from Kamloops, B.C. elevating lifestyle to an artform”
WTF is that supposed to mean? And since when did I even care about your lifestyle?
(By the way, outside of the mountain biking bubble, normal people use the much simpler term “life,” instead of “lifestyle.” Kind of like “colors” vs. “colorways.” It is much easier to say, and doesn’t make you sound like such a conceited idiot)
Let’s review this kid and his friends “lifestyle” that’s apparently “elevated to an artform”:
1. Living with your parents? check
2. In the town you grew up in? double check
3. Shooting one video a year? check
4. Still having the nerve to call yourself and your friends a “team” or a “collective” or a “collabo” or whatever term this retard used
5. Having shots of things as unique as “driving to the trail” or “using a shovel” or “pushing your bike to the top of the hill.” Things like these really set your “lifestyle” apart from other mountain bikers boring “lives.”
If that elevates a persons lifestyle to an artform, then consider me the Mona Lisa. I check all those boxes, and then some. I’m pretty much bi-winning.
Oh, look, it’s someone who’s actually “elevating lifestyle to an artform”: Charlie Sheen. Let’s review:
Banging seven gram rocks? check
Total frickin rock star from Mars? check
Tiger blood? check
Absolute victory? check
On a quest? check
Right every single wrong? check
Pretty much winning. Charlie has one gear: Go.
I didn’t even watch this carbon copy Canadian neo-freeride movie, but let me take a guess as to what’s in there:
1. Soulful music during an excessively long intro. I bet you have to wait a whole minute before you can watch riding.
2. Lots of slow mo, close up super high res, overly color-filtered shots.
3. A bunch of blown out, dusty trail. Because it’s in Kamloops, we know the trail will be totally blown out. Because it’s a freerider on a downhill bike, we can expect to see lots of boring riding where the rider is going fast-ish, but it’s not very interested. Probably at least a couple brake drags in corners to throw up roost.
4. When jumps are included, expect to see the same trick/whip/jump shown over and over again. To make it feel even more dreadful, expect all shots of the same jump to be in slow mo.
5. A bunch of these shoulder buzzer, not a table, not an invert, definitely Canadian things, whatever the shit these are:
How, in the world of Sheen, could ANYONE say that their shitty little life is a “lifestyle,” led alone an artform.
If you tried on his brain, you’d be like “dude, can’t handle it.”