I was reading the school newspaper, which is predictably awful, but today they got it right. When I read this article, I was trying to remember if I submitted it or not. I didn’t, but as I read, it was obvious that they took a couple pages straight outta the TEAM ROBOT play book, and then translated them from binary:
Nobody loves you.
Nobody has ever loved you.
Nobody will ever love you.
You’re most likely single because you’re not good looking.
You did this to yourself through your inability to change for others.
Stop pretending that you’re joyful or content. You’re alone and you hate yourself. Lying doesn’t suit you.
All those couples that look happy actually are. In fact, they’re usually even happier.
Either way, it’s better to be miserable and in a relationship than happy and single. That’s just life, I don’t make the rules.
Friendships don’t count. If they did, they’d have a holiday too, wouldn’t they?
You should probably kill yourself. Or get a dog. Whichever’s easiest.
By the way it’s my birthday today, so I’m automatically having way more fun than you right now.