The Rennie

I don’t get it. I listened to the whole thing and I still didn’t hear you say when you’re coming back to World Cup racing.

Fun Fact:

In 2004, The Rennie produced 2080 watts in a power test at the Australian Institute of Science. He was offered a position racing track bikes but declined as he wanted to stay on the World Cup downhill circuit “and keep pummeling shit.” This fun fact is available to you in the “Nathan Rennie Talks 2012” video, along with other fun Rennie trivia. We only include this tidbit because, due to our highly sophisticated robot algorithms, we predict that your puny human attention span would never allow you to watch an 18 minute video on youtube.

We know that you won’t watch the whole Rennie video, because Team Robot has been doing extensive testing. Team Robot created several test videos to determine human subject’s ability to endure long videos on the internet. Here are some of the sample videos and the results from these experiments:

Justin Bieber 800% slower: experiment failed. Subjects showed a total inability to sit through the long video. Most subjects strangled themselves with articles of their own clothing within several minutes, which was roughly how long it took them to figure out how to strangle themselves with their own clothing.

Zelda level “walkthrough:” experiment was a mixed success. Almost all subjects demonstrated a complete unwillingness to endure this video, and chose to hit the “instant death” button provided in the viewing room. However, some subjects reported a high level of interest in the video’s content, and after the conclusion of the video inquired as to whether we had more “Zelda walkthroughs” for them to watch. These subjects were promptly eliminated.

GT Atherton team launch video: experiment failed. Subjects fell asleep after watching Gee and Dan hit the same Pine Valley jump for the fourth time in a row. When subjects woke up, they unaminously agreed that the video was too long and boring. They also inquired as to why the film maker chose to film at Pine Valley and other Socal spots that have been filmed a hundred times and are totally played out. We did not have any good answers to the subjects questions, so the subjects were eliminated.

Trololo 50 hours: experiment failed. Subjects complained of overly euphoric sensations, and died within several minutes of irrepressible optimism and stokedness.

Kony 2012: experiment was runaway success. Subjects not only watched the video, but also emailed it to their friends, conversed openly about the video around watercoolers, painted the name of the video on the side of their Volkswagon Beetles and Jeep Wranglers, and also “shared” and “liked” the video with other humans on a crude human surveillance network called “facebook.” Subjects reported an overwhelming sense of moral superiority and “awareness of global issues and shit” after watching the video. We created the video to appeal to American subject’s sense of white privilege, guilt, and sense of moral obligation, but we carefully tailored it to not interfere with these same subject’s desire to stay firmly planted in their armchairs. While our algorithms predicted some limited success for the video among disaffected college students, it’s enormous and widespread success across mainstream culture and among adults who we computed would have had some level of the human attribute called “common sense” caught us totally by surprise.

Back on topic: 2080 watts represents an above average capacity for generating electricity for robot power cells. The Rennie has also demonstrated an above average capacity for crushing everything in sight, a value which robots also value:

Compared against most puny humans, The Rennie is what our robot statistical methods would call an “outlier.”