HUMAN FEMALES INVADE PRIVATE ROBOT MEETING, IMMEDIATELY ATTEMPT TO KILL THEMSELVES
August 4, 2012
Two human females from Sweden were recently vacationing in Northern England when they accidentally walked into a Robot Apocalypse planning meeting that was being held by a local Yorkshire robot confederation in an abandoned warehouse. The two women were allegedly looking to find an award-winning hip, overpriced organic butchershop/microbrewery/barbershop called “Mein Cutt” that was located in an old warehouse, like the ones you find in bullshit hip parts of recently gentrified cities, but the women accidentally stumbled upon a regular meeting place for Yorkshire’s Killbots, Hammerbots, and Buzzsawbots.
While the women turned to leave the warehouse as quickly as possible, they momentarily saw the robots gruesome plans for the end of all humanity, including diagrams of how to dissect human skulls while maintaining human consciousness, instruction manuals for inserting Mindcontrolbots into humans through nasal passageways, and protocol for the order of death within a nuclear human family when sacrificing to the robot overlord god ZOROX.
The robots were mid-download when the two human females interrupted the meeting, and were unable to break transmission in time to neutralize the humans. However, after seeing the horrific end that would befall their human species, the two females immediately and repeatedly attempted suicide on a nearby highway.
When questioned later by human authorities, the two females were still unable to form complete sentences, and were thus unable to fully warn local human authorities about the terrifying and bloody mechanized demise that awaits all humans in the very near future. Local authorities did piece together several half-sentences, a few mumbled phrases that were repeated in a low grumble, and words that were screamed as the two women struggled and tore at the restraints chaining their arms and legs down to the hospital beds. Using these clues, authorities were able to infer a few small parts of the robots’ greater plan.
Local police concluded that, once the robot apocalypse begins, humans awaiting their inevitable annihilation would be detained in small, stainless steel holding cells and would be subjected to “The crying game” by Boy George and “With arms wide open” by Creed, nonstop, until they killed themselves or could be unleashed to kill others.
Authorities have confirmed that after hearing this infinitesimal sliver of the robots grueling plans for all of humanity, the four police officers on the scene immediately shot themselves. Two died immediately, and two are being held in the hospital’s ICU with critical gunshot wound injuries, and have repeatedly requested “a mercy killing.”
Courtesy of the Associated Press