Everyone’s butthurt about RAMPAGE!!!

Before saying anything else, let me congratulate Kurt Sorge, your 2012 RAMPAGE!!! champ:

Not only did he win the gnarliest mountain bike competition in the world, but he also reached this level of accomplishment with no real freedom to speak of in his home country. Overcoming that sort of impediment takes dedication, perseverance, and a truly optimistic view of the world. I hope you really enjoy yourself before you have to go back to $7 beers in Canada.

Found this online. It’s not comprehensive, but it hits on a lot of the important points.

Now, back to what everyone’s complaining about:

“The judges at RAMPAGE!!! sucked [insert NFL replacement refs joke here]!”

“Dude, I’m totally stoked for KurtBro, but the McCaul brothers got, like, robbed.”

“RAMPAGE!!! was weak this year. Like, the progression, was like, not there, broseph.”

“RAMPAGE!!! regressed since Cam Zink 360’d the Oakley drop last time. And yes, in my mind that was the only thing that happened at RAMPAGE!!! in 2010.”

So, first of all, you suck. Not at riding; I suck at riding, too. You just suck at life. The riding level that was seen at RAMPAGE!!! is so far beyond your puny mortal comprehension that you should be thankful they even let you watch. There are exactly 3 things that happened on that hill all week that wouldn’t have made you immediately drop to the floor convulsing in sheer amazement until you crapped yourself and passed out. I don’t even care about RAMPAGE!!! and I still realize that the riding is straight up brutal. It’s so gnarly that most of the riders prepare a will beforehand and kiss their women  as they head into battle:

But, you say, the general quality of competition was lower than last year. Here’s a quick, six-photo photo essay on why the competition level in Finals this year was a little lower than you might have hoped:


The reason you didn’t see everyone you wanted to see in the finals is because half of them almost crippled themselves in their attempt to entertain you. You suck.

But here’s something to cheer you up: Half of Earthed Five, pirated online and in 240p. I’ve included brief descriptions of each scene and why it’s more interesting than RAMPAGE!!!

The best downhill course that ever lived, plus another episode of “An anthology of British punk rock with Alex Rankin”:

Lots of crushing, and lots of flat pedal thunder at MSA. Sam Hill surprises himself and no one else when he wins. Mr. Personality himself, Greg Minnaar, has his arm fall out of his body and still finishes in 2nd. One of the best, most creative, song choices ever. Beats the hell out of “Rise Against.”

People falling is always funny. Mr. Hill at his all-time peak:

Seems simple when you walk it, but it’s “pretty full on at speed” in the words of the caterpillar eyebrow’d man from Koala Land:

This song is terrible, but Adam Brayton is gnarly and a super nice guy, too:

This song is also from Eski boy and is also unbearable, but whatever, if you were going to watch this you already watched five of these, so you probably don’t have much going on today anyway:

And just in case there was any doubt that Sam Hill can turn his bike wherever and whenever he wants, or that tracks really were more interesting back in the day, consult this poorly pirated video: