While the Benghazi and Petraeus scandals have been the dominant news story coming from the Pentagon’s ongoing struggle to contain Islamic Extremism, today marked a new chapter in the War on Terrorism. Officials within the Pentagon are calling this development “The Microsoft Era.”
As Google, Apple, and Samsung have risen to prominence in the tech world, they have left behind a wake of failed Microsoft programs and hardware that once great computer titan Microsoft had hoped would compete with their far more user friendly rivals from Mountain View, Cupertino, and Seoul.
Realizing that no one in the world ever uses Bing, terrorists the world over have seized on an opportunity to search otherwise critical “trigger” words like “build your own nuclear bomb,” “Anthrax,” “biosurveillance,” and “holy shit can Hillary’s butt get any bigger,” free from the purview of U.S. intelligence agencies.
In a recent Homeland Security Congressional oversight hearing, Janet Napolitano, head of DHS laid out the critical threat poised by the new “Microsoft Era:
“We have been trying to get our people up to speed on the new Microsoft software, but they’re all like ‘what’s this Bing shit?’ and then they go back to analyzing potential domestic and external threats from Google.”
When asked about the DHS monitoring agency’s preference to analyze threatening search queries from Google instead of Bing, Napolitano stated that more funding might be necessary to control the threat poised by Bing and other shitty search engines like Ask.com, Yahoo!, and MSNsearch:
“At this point in time our resources are insufficient to properly monitor and neutralize security threats emanating from these alternative search services. Our IT people can’t keep up, because everyone keeps changing their default browser back to Google faster than our IT dept can reset it to Bing. Our people will monitor threats on Bing for, like, maybe five minutes after I leave their office, but then they’re back on Google because reportedly Bing “sucks a dead dog’s balls on a hot day in July.'”
Terrorists are also reportedly excited for new phones and tablets from Microsoft coming out in early 2013. The terrorists expect that these platforms should be totally abandoned by consumers and businesses no later than Fall 2014, making them available for unmonitored and unhampered use by the world’s freedom-hating Mujahideen.
When reached for comment, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said:
“this comes as sweet vindication for my 5-year plan at Microsoft. In 2010 the board of directors said we needed to find new markets if we wanted to stay relevant in today’s tech market. We’ve done that here, and frankly I think we knocked this one out of the park, connecting with the world’s terrorists one year ahead of schedule and building what I think will become our biggest future demographic.”
In a related story, terrorists have reportedly begun using the outdated music storage device from Microsoft, the “Zune,” to store important documents, threatening videos, and other sensitive material. In a statement released to AP reporters last week, Terrorist master mind Makeen bin Miftaah ul Jannah was all like “Honestly, who uses a Zune these days? If you saw someone using a Zune, you wouldn’t give two shits what was on it. Probably Rob Thomas or some shit like that. It’s like, ‘welcome to the 21st century, bitch.’ Plus, we have been picking them up on the cheap, too, bro.”