Kill List: your school

My brother who’s going to Portland State sent me this text message yesterday:

There’s a tent event on campus: Organic Yerba Mate. And they have a guy playing a didgeridoo and beat-boxing. I really hate this place sometimes.

Fast forward to my day here at Lewis and Clark:

Just looked out the library window and discovered that the school ukelele club is putting on a little performance on the steps of the commons. They’re all dressed in flannels and super cute matching beanies and swaying and singing along to their shitty songs. Thankfully I am guarded from this unholy cacophony by the wall of sound-proofed windows I’m watching through.
The 100 or so person crowd that’s formed is a veritable who’s who of all the people that I’ve never talked to, but still viciously hate based entirely on their appearance. Most of my least favorite people are in the audience, and the audience just started clapping along. At this point, all of my suspicions have been thoroughly confirmed.

You know who gets to use Ukeleles? Fucking Elvis does. Elvis can play ukelele until my ear drums bleed, because he is the fucking king and he can do whatever he wants. There’s only one king, and he is not you.

So unless your name is Zombie Elvis and your overweight ass rose from the grave to haunt us with songs off the Aloha from Hawaii album, you either need to put that shit down, or prepare to eat a hand grenade courtesy of TEAM ROBOT.

As for you Digereedoo-playing PSU Yerba Mate guy, let’s take a quick look at your qualifications to play that traditional Aboriginal tribal instrument. Just for the record, I’ve never seen didgeridoo guy, but I’m about 99% sure I’ve got a lock on didgeridoo guy’s program. Let’s review:

White? Check.
Dreads? Check.
Toms? Check.
Kucinich, Coexist, and “Keep Portland Weird” bumper stickers on your didgeridoo case? Check.
Decided to hate your rich parents at age 15? Check.
Only time in Australia was on a family vacation with your rich parents when you were 11? Check.
Didgeridoos are “really spiritual” for you? Check.
You talk a lot about “going back to the roots” but you have no clue what that actually means? Check.

Yeah, I’d say you are a perfect candidate for co-opting someone else’s culture in order to make yourself feel worldly and hip. As a side benefit, your “music,” like that of the ukelele team, will help guide TEAM ROBOT’s league of killbots to your exact location when the mechanized apocalypse comes to Portland.

3 thoughts on “Kill List: your school

  1. ^^ LMFAO at that TEAM ROBOT vid ^^….. I know Charlie would fit right in with those black people ridin bikes.

    This vid also reminds me of Chillaxin in Portland

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