This sucks

The only thing worse than the “enduro fad” is people complaining about the “enduro fad.” This is the least funny video I’ve ever seen.

For the first 10 seconds I thought “oh, that’s kind of funny, what a novel concept,” until I realized they were going to reproduce the entire printer scene from Office Space shot for shot. Freaking shot for shot, people. Just for reference, that scene drags on a little long in the actual movie. If Mike Judge has trouble holding my attention for that minute and a half, odds are pretty low these two meatheads from Snowboardbroville, Canada aren’t going to do any better with their homage.

Here’s a visual representation of their attempt to recreate the masterpiece:

Lots of similarities, but some important differences.

As a public service to the three-person braintrust responsible for “Dummies 2,” I’ll break it down for you. This:

Juxtaposed with this:

Is funny.

If Michael Bolton was young, athletic, living in a fulfilling low-stress outdoor lifestyle town in a beautiful part of the world and wearing Timberland’s with a Pantera t-shirt while participating in an aggressive, adrenaline-filled Gen-Y sport, it maybe wouldn’t work the same way. Just a hunch. That, and if you’re going to categorically dismiss a whole segment of racing like Enduro, you’re going to have to do a little better than two bros filming Meathead-Matching-Muscle-T day at your local bike park. I’ll grant you that the big flip was pretty impressive, though.
I almost got the same helmet that lead alpha bro is wearing this year.
So now that I know these guys won’t like me, here are some other thoughts in the general nitpicking category:
Nice lens flare Nick. Classy and original.
Stop killing the side of lips. Every single lip and roller on Aline and Dirt Merchant has two feet on each side destroyed by bros trying to imitate their local BC internet video hero who was trying to imitate James Stewart scrubbing. It’s not a scrub, you suck.
This is fine-tuning, but for lead-bro-guy-who’s-skinnier, you’re driving with your inside shoulder in turns, which is turning your upper body and your hips to the outside and weighting your inside foot. That’s going to cause you to understeer and slide in turns.
It’s subtle, but you really want to drive through the turn with your outside shoulder.
Follow-me-bigger-bro-guy-who-clearly-lifts, you’re exiting turns pretty far in the backseat. See how little weight you have on the front wheel on the exit of this turn? It’s true that you generally want to spring out of turns on the back wheel, but this isn’t one of those “if some is good, more is better” sort of things. Try to keep some weight on the front wheel at all times. It increase balance and control.
This backseat riding also shows up in your jumping. You’re landing pretty late and rear wheel down on jumps, and while I’d normally attribute this pattern to overjumping big stuff for video to look cool, you seem to be doing it on small jumps as well.
Like turns, you can get more pump out of landings by touching down with both wheels at the top of the landing. Again, being slightly in the backseat here is good for pump, but like Barry White said, “too much of a good thing can be bad for you.”
Oh, and one more this. This:
Looks really bad when you crop it like this:

21 thoughts on “This sucks

  1. hahahaha I love you (not in a “macho bro trying really hard to hide your sexuality” kinda way, but in a “thank you for calling out bros” kinda way).

  2. “shoulders and hips???” I think the robot is humpin some toasters and burning off some important componentry at these enduro races.

  3. OK. Seriously.

    Just posting this here encourages these types. It's like when you're driving through Portland in your Nissan Leaf and some Bro rolls up next to you in a jacked up F250 Brodozer – don't fucking look at him, don't fucking make eye contact – you'll only encourage the troglodyte. That attention hungry neanderthal exists purely to seek attention from others – good or bad – it's all good if you're looking at him. Just stop. Look away. We don't want to encourage these fuckers – they might breed, even more.

    Now back to Enduro. It's not the Enduro that is the problem it's the sales and marketing teams at Big Bike – you know – the axis of evil – Norco-Giant-Specialized-Mavic-Fox-etfuckingcetera. These corporate sleaze bags need regular market expansion to support their bloated and overcommitted business model. Find something good, exploit it, sell it, burn it to the ground, move on – these people are fucking vampires – even robots probably (not) have more respect for life than that.

    And BTW – these are the same type of shit bags that gagged you with the 650b wheel you didn't ask for, as well as the 15mm axle, Schwalbe 'race only” disintegrating $90 tires and air suspension for DH bikes.

    It's like we're all being water boarded by The Bike Industry Giants – it feels like we're dying but we're really not, but feeling like dying is probably worse than actually dying.

    This isn't the innovation we were promised.

  4. I just don't get why they would beat up on a bike that could have brought years of joy to an orphan child. These guys also do not have the best technique, but that flip was impressive. The music wasn't all that pleasant either.

  5. ^^^
    “These guys also do not have the best technique, but that flip was impressive.”

    That pretty much sums up freeriders in a nutshell. Stand up in berms, ride off the back in steeps, no idea how to rail a flat corner. But can flip like no one's business

  6. I find this hilarious for a couple reasons. First off I'm the so called skinny one wearing timberland boots. In actuality they are Vans but timberlands could be cool for next time! Second, the whole reason we made this edit was to poke fun at a sport thats trends change daily. Now keep in mind that us mountain bikers love our opinions. “Judging by your blog you are no exception” Another reason for making this edit was to see how much people would react to something that is clearly a joke. We knew that a large portion of the riding community would find the humor in it, laugh and be entertained. After reading through your thoughts and comments you are clearly fall into the other category of people. Half the fun of making this edit was knowing people like you would comment. I must thank you! You alone made this whole edit worth it. Not only did you react the way we wanted, you went above and beyond taking the time to write a blog about it. I got a good laugh reading through your opinions about the edit. Thanks for watching!
    I'll be on the look out for your next edit! I'd love to watch someone so well versed in the technique of riding a bike.

  7. Bros get called out for their homo eroticism and matchy matchy tank tops with poor technique and instantly rebut with “it was a joke”. Attempt at humor was clearly missed by everyone, probably because of muscle boy riding to bro jock rock. Then the joke becomes not what they intended but sadly (for them) the joke is the riding. Then its the odd correlation between an awkward opening scene and bro-riding to calling out enduro riding. Makes no sense, but apparently it was humor?

  8. penises or penes /-niːz/) is the primary sexual organ that male and hermaphrodite animals use to inseminate sexually receptive mates (usually females and hermaphrodites respectively) during copulation.[1] Such organs occur in many animals, both vertebrate and invertebrate, but males do not bear a penis in every animal species, and in those species in which the male does bear a so-called penis, the penes in the various species are not necessarily homologous. For example, the penis of a mammal is at most analogous to the penis of a male insect or barnacle.[citation needed]

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  9. A tampon is a cylindrical mass of absorbent material, primarily used as a feminine hygiene product. Historically, the word “tampon” originated from the medieval French word “tampion,” meaning a piece of cloth to stop a hole, a stamp, plug, or stopper.[1] At present, tampons are designed to be easily inserted into the vagina during menstruation and absorb the user’s menstrual flow. Several countries regulate tampons as medical devices. In the United States, they are considered to be a Class II medical device by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).


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    Tampon inserted
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    Absorbency ratingsEdit

  10. Hi Team Robot! This is Nick who made the video you've featured on your blog.
    Thank you for the lovely write-up, It's a shame the video didn't tickle your fancy. One can only dream for a positive review from an established, well-known content creator like yourself 🙁 Next time prior to creating something I'll be sure to consult you for advice so that I too can have that edgy, hip, feminine perspective. Wouldn't that be swell? Anyways, maybe some day we can go for a nice seafood dinner? Up to you.
    Send me a fax!

  11. The riding in this video was tight. Much better than any team robot videos I've seen.

    The humor was about on par with balling out of control on 20 dollars and taco boarding.

  12. the bros from backwoodshicksvill B.C. are proving everything you already think about Canadians. may the robot apocalyps start already.

    before they beat me to it

    An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century.[1] In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden. In the Book of Revelation (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term, one that dates to 1175.[1] Today, it is commonly used in reference to any prophetic revelation or so-called End Time scenario, or to the end of the world in general.

  13. Charlie Sponsored telling people how to ride a their bikes! no fucking way!

    Im charlie im sorta fast a sorta sponsored and sort of a bitch i couldnt hold a candle to your average 14 year old in whistler

  14. Isn't writing a blog like this just like staring at the guy with the 4 foot spoiler and Campbell's soup can muffler on his Honda Civic? People get so worked up about what other people do; if it bothers you so much, leave it alone. Writing this blog only encourages the behaviour you seem to hate. Lighten up and spend your time practicing on the trail, not the keyboard, 'bro'.

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