Sometimes I hope that every Final Destination death will be visited upon “First comment guy” simultaneously in an agonizing symphony of pain and suffering, but then I realize that if there is some greater evil at play here, like the hand of fate in the Final Destination movies, first comment guy is probably part of Lord Evil’s evil plan. And if that’s the case, then Lord Evil is probably keeping first comment guy alive for his special evil purposes. Maybe first comment guy isn’t just protected by evil, he’s also powered by it, like in old timey zombie movies when you cut a zombie to pieces and its hand still crawls after you trying to kill you. Like even if I could find first comment guy and kill him by my hand, his hand would still claw its way out of the grave and find its way to a computer and still type “first comment” on all my posts.
But then I think that first comment guy is like the crummy older brother of Lord Evil, who everyone knew was never as talented as Lord Evil, but even in Evil Land they’re all too nice to say anything so they keep pretending like first comment guy isn’t a disappointment and they give him little semi-evil tasks to do, like posting first comment on TEAM ROBOT. And Lord Evil doesn’t so much protect him for a special evil purpose as he sort of begrudgingly acquiesces eternal evil powers to first comment guy, and they all agree to play this little game of pretend where they don’t acknowledge that typing “first” on all my TEAM ROBOT posts isn’t the moral equivalent of planning some sweeping sinister earth-shattering evil plan.
Basically first comment guy is the Dan Atherton to Lord Evil’s Gee.