Treating a painful condition

My friend Ben is a proud former van pilot and a current, reluctant Subaru Forester owner. Since getting the Forester he’s suffered from waves of pain, regret, and feelings of loss, like so many others before him. When you’e thinking about buying the station wagon, it all seems so practical: the lower gas mileage, compact parking spots are suddenly available, girls don’t think you’re trying to bury them in your basement… you know, standard van problems that go right out the window with a compact car.

Can’t do that in an Econoline.

But then time goes on, thoughts linger on the nostalgic and not-so-distant past, and regret sets in. A brief van forum surf here, a 3 am Adventure Portal binge there, and then you’re scrolling through Craigslist every day at work looking for used Sportsmobiles, and you start bargaining with yourself: maybe you can turn the Forester… turn it back into a van?

You try to imagine happiness in your new car, but your dreams and fantasies always drift back to the van; the one that got away. It starts with gravel tires so you can take the stupid car on forest roads without having to change a flat. Then you’re looking into storage solutions for the tiny econobox: a rocket box for the top, or maybe shelving options for the back. Once you move on to indoor bedding solutions, you have full blown Van-Affected Internal Detachment Syndrome, or VAIDS.

Too often, the outlook for VAIDS patients in the US is grim. With the current state of Big Pharma, low-dollar conditions like VAIDS mostly get passed by for new research and experimental drugs. Many patients can’t find a cure and have to resort to merely treating symptoms, like renting a van at astronomical prices for special occasions, or worse, buying a compact four-door pickup, with a worthless four foot bed and an extra row of seats they’ll never use. Industrious American VAIDS patients have been known to cross the border into Canada to buy a Delica 4×4, or travel all the way to Japan for a diesel five-door Hiace. These patients often have to smuggle the vehicles back into the US, or convert them to left-hand drive in hopes of avoiding detection by authorities.

Fortunately, some enterprising thinker in China has a low cost option for immediate treatment of VAIDS. This magical ” Proud Tiger Bed” can be had for your Subaru for the low, low price of $306:

Yes, this is a thing in China. Brought to your awareness via terminal VAIDS patient Ben Furbee:

3 thoughts on “Treating a painful condition

  1. You’ve actually helped me to realise something:
    I have a van and do occasionally wonder if I’d be better with a car – but maybe that’s far better than having a car and CONSTANTLY wishing I had a van.
    Bikes rule

  2. ask a robot or whatever:
    why don’t you have a bookmark/tab icon for this ‘website’? it’s 2017 already. jeez.

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